about a girl, part 1.

An “About Me” so I can get my mind off of darker things going on in the world. And then I’m going for a walk, for fresh air. I’m going to clean my bathroom, do a load of laundry, sweep my floors, drink some wine, and write a poem. Not necessarily in that order.


What food do you wish you could cook like a world-class chef? I don’t think I’ll ever cook like a world-class chef, but I want to learn how to do hibachi. You know how they do all those tricks? Cracking the egg mid-air? Onion volcanoes? Food + fire. I want to learn how to do it. While drinking sake. For a challenge.

What’s the last book you read and really enjoyed? Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking. It made me love her more than ever, and want to be more like her in every way.

What is one song that can always pull you out of a bad mood? I’ve been in such a bad mood for so long, I can’t think of one right now. Let me get back to you.

What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? The only movie I’ve ever walked out of is Beavis and Butthead. I just couldn’t. I’d watched the TV show, but as a long feature-length movie? Too much. I just…left.

Which celebrity are you rather certain would be your BFF if you ever met? Oh my god! Just one???? Well, I definitely think Amanda Palmer and I should get drunk together on wine at least once. And I just really LIKE Amanda Abbington, who’s super talented and I follow on Twitter, and see her tweets now and then and go: soul sister. And Adele…oh, I would like to have dinner with Adele one day. And Emma Thompson. Oh, and! Emma Stone seems super sweet. And I want Helen Mirren to be my fairy godmother.

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? Here’s the thing about me and sleep: sometimes we’re cool, sometimes we aren’t. But I can’t go more than 24 hours without at least some. For other humans’ safety.

…without a shower? Three days. I was incredibly sick. It was gross. Sometimes, when I’m very blah or unmotivated on a weekend or vacation day, I’ll go 24 hours without one. Or if I wake up very late and there’s just no time. But I feel more alive and together after standing under water. I generally recommend soap and water every 24 hours, for mental health purposes.

…without clean underwear? Never. If my underwear isn’t clean, I…uhhh…probably just skip that step.

What’s your biggest pet peeve? Hypocrisy. I just can’t. I’m sure I’m guilty of it, but if I figure out that I’m doing it? I check myself. I don’t understand people who are so self-unaware that they don’t. It’s oogy.

What is one superpower you would hate having? I’d say the ability to read minds, but oh ha, there’s social media now. So I’m going to with…flying. I have so much vertigo it’s not even funny. Also, I’m pretty sure I’d fly right into the side of a mountain.

What’s something you misunderstood as a child and only realized much later was wrong? When I was in 9th grade, I read Catcher in the Rye and kept coming up on the word “sonofabitch” and kept pronouncing it soe-NOFF-uh-bitch. I had no idea what it meant, but knew it was insulting because of its context. Went to the dictionary, couldn’t find it. Just…what the heck is a soe-NOFF-uh-bitch?? A few years later I think I read it again or somebody told me…apparently some people write son of a bitch as one word?? That’s weird, JD Salinger.

Also, Catcher in the Rye’s main character kept using the word bastard as an insult. I didn’t understand what a bastard was either, but if Holden Caulfield thought it was bad, then I needed to use it as a weapon. So I called my 10 year old brother a bastard and the dinner table one night and my mom freaked her freak.

I may have been a bit sheltered as a child, I don’t know if you can tell or not.

If you had to, what would you change your name to? Ooooh! I have SO many ideas! Well, first, I want to be Lara. Because my dad originally wanted to name me that because of Dr. Zhivago. I’ve seen the movie version now, and yes. I think I could be a Lara. But a really kick ass feminist, take no shit Lara. But I also feel like a Delilah. Philistine seductress. Treacherous siren. Femme fatale. Mata Hari of the Middle East. Mary Magdalene’s dark twin.

But I also really just like the name Olivia.

What do you think about astrology and horoscopes? I like them. I pretty much fit my astrology sign’s descriptors (Pisces). It’s probably junk science, but I’m a magical thinker, so I’m going to keep reading my horoscope and hoping for the best.

If you were in charge, what holiday would you create? National Stay In Bed All Day Day. Or National The Government Gives Everybody $1000 For Whatever And They Don’t Tax Them Or Try To Turn It Into a Profit For Corporate America Day.

What fast food place are you ashamed to admit you love? Steak-n-Shake. It’s their milkshakes. I am disgusting. (And now I want one.)

What was the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Kids are strange in general. I never look at anything a kid does and think: that’s weird. Because they’re kids, it’s their job.  And also: weird is good.

What would you say is your worst trait? My naivete. My skittishness. My easily hurt feelings.

…your best trait? My naivete. My skittishness. My willingness to love in spite of what I’ve experienced.

Can you describe your ideal vacation? NO PEOPLE. (Okay, maybe 1 or 2 that I really love.) Water somewhere, nature. Wine. Books. Silence. Walks. Sleep.

What’s something that scares you? Sharks, snakes, extreme heights, fire, death….death by fiery plane crash into an ocean full of sharks and sea snakes.

What’s your patronus? You know what? I just re-did the Find your Patronus and Find your House things at JK Rowling’s Pottermore website and I’m completely unhappy with her and Hogwarts right now. I got a Nebelung Cat as my patronus (which is fine…I’m good with cats. Plus, a Nebelung Cat is a creature of the mists that observes carefully before acting and it prefers to stay away from humans and that is very me), but I also got sorted into Slytherin, and I’m super sure that is NOT my tribe. I’m more Hufflepuff. ….omg Slytherin. What question did I answer that even made them THINK that???

Which sandwich topping do you most identify with? This is a ridiculous question. (Provolone cheese.)

In your childhood, what’s a food that you used to really love that you can’t believe you ate? I think my mom used to make us eat chicken gizzards. Which I personally feel should be considered a human rights violation, but that’s probably because I come from a first world country. I know when we were older she TRIED to make us eat a cow tongue, but we declared anarchy and made sandwiches. There are standards.

If you had to run for public office, what would you run for? Listen: if you ever see me running for public office you can just go ahead and assume I’m being held hostage somehow and forced to, or I’ve completely lost my mind. I do not have the personality, temperament, or scandal-free background to do this. I mean, yes. There’s a lecher sitting in the Oval Office right now screaming cuss words in professional, state meetings. And he’s an angry, divisive agitator with questionable morals and a very long history of ethics violations. And that’s exactly why I will never run for an office…I want my politicians to be smarter, kinder, wiser, more rational, cooler headed than me. I regularly insult the president of the United States on Twitter…and that’s because he doesn’t behave in ways that inspire me to at least respect the office he sits in. He’s….just no. I will never run for office. Let’s move on.

What are one or two things you don’t understand about the generation after yours? Slime. What up with the slime, friendos? They say it’s “so satisfying,” but when I touch the stuff it makes me recoil. I don’t see them reading very much–they prefer to read onscreen, I think they’re destroying their brains AND missing out on peaceful thinking by not holding a book. There’s actually a lot. But mostly I don’t get Musical.ly, which is an app that lets them lip sync to snippets of popular rap music.

What are one or two things you don’t understand about the generation that precedes yours? Their extreme sense of fear. I mean, there are a lot of things to be afraid of: global warming, plane crashes, losing access to quality medical care in your 60s. But the things they seem to be afraid of are people with brown skin taking jobs away from people with white skin. Or how many people speak English in their neighborhood. Or why someone has a car in their driveway and not the garage. I feel like a lot of them don’t know how to experience fear properly.

What are your thoughts on pickled foods that aren’t cucumbers? NO.

Do you have a favorite flower or plant? I like dandelions and daisies. You can bring me a bunch of long-stemmed red roses and my heart will be happy. But if you want to melt my heart and make me fall in love with you, bring me handpicked wildflowers or a carefully constructed bouquet of yellow dandelions. I’m yours.

What kind of pet would you love to have? I’m a cat AND a dog person. I don’t have a dog because they’re more work. If I could, I’d have a pet horse. Or a dolphin. But I’d want my horse and my dolphin to be wild, and come visit me willingly, whenever they wanted.

Do you consider yourself a spender or a saver? Both. It depends on what’s going on. I have a really hard time saving money, though. I’m not sure why…it’s one of my 2018 goals to work on.

What was your dream job when you were a kid? I wanted to be dolphin trainer. Or a stay at home mom. (This hasn’t really changed, actually.)

Are you a mountain person or a beach person? Both. Best case scenario: I live in a secluded mountain cabin and take summer trips to the beach to warm up after a long, mountain winter.


Alright. That’s it. I’m tapped out. Brain is shutting down. I need fresh air and maybe a nap. I’ll finish Part 2 another day. Bye.

i’m complicated, but not hard. just pick some dandelions and wild clover and i’ll at least consider your proposal.