unfocused.

This will be another rambling, unfocused blog entry I’m writing just to write. I keep telling myself that, eventually, I will have a focus. I will have a focused thing to write about, a topic that will lend itself to its own hashtag that will go viral on Twitter and elsewhere on the Internet and bring me readers who are lovely and sane and really real and people I’d totally meet for a misty morning nature trail hike and then coffee and a light breakfast, or for a fun dinner and wine and maybe a blues club afterward. I know these people exist in the world. I have met a handful of lovely stars and hearts from the Internet, people who’ve seen me at my worst and not judged me and because they know my heart.

So. Because I want to write but have no focus, usually what I like to do when this happens instead of just ramble about nothing is just answer a bunch of pointless questions about myself. Which, on the surface, is incredibly narcissistic and navel-gazer-y, I know. But I encourage everyone to do it, because it’s also incredibly fun and self-soothing AND you self-therapy sometimes. Therapy ain’t cheap, so any time you can find a coupon for it, I say: go for it.

blog survey

1- Amy

2- 46 (this is the sad part…that I am 46 and still fill out these surveys)

3-Three fears: death by plane crash, death by fiery plane crash, death by fiery plane crash into an ocean and not dying immediately but dying in the mouth of JAWS.

4-Three things I love: Miss M, cool sunny mornings outside, people who see you at your worst and love and keep you anyway.

5-Four turn ons: swarthy smart and kind men, deep/throaty laughs, the smell of patchouli/coffee/books, thoughtful surprises, when someone sends me a poem or a song that made them think of me. That was five, but I don’t always play by the rules.

6-Four turn offs: hypocrites, cheaters, liars, manipulators, fake people. Five again, but I like the number 5 better than 4 anyway.

7-My best friend: I don’t really have a best friend. I would like one, though.

8-Sexual orientation: A friend of mine says sexuality is fluid, and I kind of agree. Actually, she says there’s a spectrum, and some people are way on the heterosexual end and others are way on the homosexual end, but most people fall somewhere in between or further to one side or another. I will just say I’m not on either end of this spectrum.

9-My best first date: This is ridiculous, as there is no such thing. It takes at LEAST 20 dates to really get a good feel for who someone is and what they’re about.

10-How tall: I’m officially 510″. But at the doctor’s office lately I’ve been 5’9″ and once I was 5’8″. If this keeps up, they’re not going to let me on the big kid rides at parking lot carnivals.

11-What do I miss: this one is loaded. I miss the old me. I shared some old Facebook posts with my love D, from a time I felt I was happiest, and most at ease with being on the Internet and sharing myself openly. He said I still sound very much like that person. But I don’t FEEL like her anymore. And that’s what I miss.

12-What time were I born: Well, first, survey creator, this is poor English and that drives me nuts. Second, I was born on a Wednesday (child of woe, and this is very true) at 3:20 in the afternoon. Or 3:10. Or 3:15. After 3 pm, but before 3:30. Definitely before Happy Hour.

13-Favorite color: I have three…green, blue, and purple. One day when I have my own little house, I want three rooms in each of those colors. Just like at the White House. Except there’s no purple room at the White House. And I’d like there also not to be a crazy orange man in my little White House.

14-Do I have a crush: On a celebrity? I have lots of those. On a person: he knows who he is. I crush on him hard, every day.

15-Favorite quote: I don’t really have a favorite quote, but lately I’m loving Sylvester McNutt’s thoughts about life. Who are these wise men and women who write these quote-memes that help me navigate through the highs and lows? Nikkita Gill, Atticus, Horacio Jones, Yrsa Ward-Daley, Nayyirah Waheed, Renata Suzuki…they’re so wise.

sylvester mcnutt
current and pertinent.

16-Favorite place: there’s a spot I like to sit in, on a nature trail I often walk. It’s far back on the trail, near a big pond with fish and turtles and ducks, and if I can pull myself out of bed early enough on a morning I don’t have Miss M, I can go sit there by the pond thinking, with the animals, and pretend Walt Whitman is nearby writing poems about the world while God and I talk about how to be better.

But I also love lonely, quiet beaches. And my bed.

17-Favorite food: I like all the food. This is part of my problem.

18-Do I use sarcasm: What?? ME?! Noooo! *eye roll*

19-What am I listening to right now: I wish I could put a really cool song here, but it’s a YouTube episode of Strange Stories from the ER that my 9 year old is suddenly obsessed with. I hope it’s because she wants to become a doctor and save lives, but I have a sinking feeling it’s just because she’s inherited my schadenfreude.

20-First thing I notice in new person: Whether or not they may be from Russia. After that, their openness or lack thereof.

21 & 22 & 23 & 24-Shoe size/eye color: I’m not sure why anyone would want to know any of this, but 9/10 and brown and bottle blonde and jeans/yoga pants.

25-Prank call: yes, when I was in high school. We’d call pizza places and order pizzas for neighbors, then hide in the bushes giggling ourselves sick. This was pre-Caller ID, pre-technology. Nowadays, teenagers seem to just hang out on social media gossiping and calling each other names or trying to find a way to be the next reality show star. They don’t even know the joys of going into the local supermarket and rearranging all of the canned mandarin oranges with all of the canned carrots. The 21st century makes me very sad.

26- except whoever did this can’t speak English or count, so it’s 27- The meaning behind my URL: I like fairy tales, I’m a girl, stuff has happened to me, this is my story…Once upon a girl, there was a time…(it makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters).

28-Favorite movie: The Wizard of Oz. To understand me is to understand this movie.

29&30- Favorite song/band: I don’t really have one of either. My ring tone on my phone is Somewhere Over the Rainbow, if that helps. When people laugh at me when it goes off, I know that person and I are not tribe.

31-How I feel right now: A mixture of things. A little shell shocked by life. But also pretty positive – summer vacation has begun for me, I’ve kicked a really toxic person out of my life AND I’m deeply disinterested in anything they are saying or doing now, and so…positive. But also scared it’s all going to cave in on me again.

32-Someone I love: Miss M, always. I have so many people I love in my life, blessings. It’s partly why I’m always scared it’ll all cave in on me again.

33-My current relationship status: loved, but from afar.

34-My relationship with my parents: I hope my dad is still around me, I miss him. I also find him easier to hang out with now that he’s not lecturing me all the time. I love my mom very much, even though she’s a Trump fan.

35-Favorite holiday: Halloween is fun, and Thanksgiving is about gratitude and family. So those two.

36-Tattoo/piercing: I think I may get a tattoo this summer or fall. I want a small mermaid tail and/or the Sanskrit symbol for God. Piercings: I have 3 holes in each ear (okay fine, 4 if you count where the sound goes in)…only 2 work now, and I only use one consistently every day.

Which sums up pretty much how I do everything.

Can I close this out with a meme I saw on Facebook today that I really really love, that feels really really true for me? And then I have to go take Miss M swimming, because god forbid we not get started on pool time IMMEDIATELY.

give yourself time
everything good takes time.